Kingdom Hearts On Crack
by Balandria
Summary: The tide crashed against the shore, repetitive to the inhabitants ears, making them think that today would be a normal day...but they were wrong! What happens when...Balandria strikes! Dedicated to Kingdom Hearts On Crack videos that any KH fan must know.
1. FF Encounter1

The tide crashed against the shore, repetitive to the inhabitants ears, making them think that today would be a normal day...but they were wrong! What happens when...Balandria strikes!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my brain. Such a pretty, pretty brain...

---

A brunet boy climbed up the palm tree closest to them and cast his eyes out to look for someone...anyone...he was _so_ bored, he didn't know what to do.

Immediately, he caught sight of two boys kicking a soccer-esque ball around in the shallower waters of the ocean.

His eyes narrowed. They must be the new kids who moved here not too long ago.

Jumping from his perch, he ran recklessly toward them, stopping a few yards away.

_Wait..._

"Tidus?!" He squawked incredulously. "Wakka?!"

"Hmm?" The blond tilted his head toward the land and caught sight of Sora. "Who is it?"

"You're Tidus, right? And Wakka?" The boy said, though it was painfully obvious, seeing as they had responded the first time.

"Yes..." The blond confirmed, slowly, confusedly.

"Holy shit!" He cursed. "How did you shrink to, like, a twelve year old?! And how did you jump out of my PlayStation2?!"

Let's just say that Destiny Islands stayed awkward for a few weeks--give or take a year.


	2. Ghosts

Biting his lip, he said with a straight face, "I don't usually let people in here--let alone _girls_. But I'll let you Kairi; you're special."

She smiled sweetly--slightly sickeningly--and this just fed Sora's humor. "Thank you, Sora!" She squealed.

He nodded and started to crawl into the cave, and Kairi followed soon after, seeming to be shaking with either fright or excitement. Sora was too, but because he was trying to keep his laughter in. He never was the best at doing that.

"Gosh, Sora, it's so dark in here." She complained faintly, and grabbed his hand for support.

The brunet led her in rather calmly. "Well, here it is, Kairi. Me and Riku's secret hiding place. Sorry he couldn't be here with us."

"No, it's fine, Sora..." She said slowly, her hand loosing it's firm grip on Sora's as she began to drift over to the smooth stone walls. "Wah! It's so...cool! You did these, Sora?" She motioned to the wall carvings.

He shrugged, still gnawing on his lower lip. "Uh, yeah."

"Wow..." Kairi murmured, still moving about. "And these, did Riku do these? No, he did. I can tell."

The red-head continued to move about, till she looked in one corner and blinked. Slowly, she turned to Sora who was standing near the the entrance, observing the walls in mock innocence.

"Sora?" She called, and her voice had a slight tremor. "Sora, why is there a door in here?"

"Hmm?"

"Sora, look over here! There's a _door_ in here! In a _cave_!"

He turned and knit his eyebrows together, seeming oblivious of the bright and shining door located behind Kairi. "What are you talking about Kairi? I don't see any door. Don't be weird--a door wouldn't be in a cave."

"But Sora!"

"Jeez, Kairi. I thought you'd take this seriously; me letting you in--"

She sighed. Maybe she was hallucinating, though she wasn't quite prepared to turn again just yet. "No, Sora, I'm sorry. Go back to whatever you were doing, I guess..."

Slowly, he nodded. And more slowly, she turned back to the glimmering door. Shaking, Kairi reached a hand out to grip the handle and pulled.

It opened almost all the way by itself with a loud groan--she forgot all about Sora, and he turned to watch.

Tendrils of black, darker than the lighting in the cave surrounding them, swirled out, and a figure in a dark cloak drifted inside the cave, leaning menacingly towards Kairi.

"Kairi..." The semi-dead-sounding voice ground out. "Kairi..."

She shrieked.

"Kairi...!" It said with rising strength. "Give...in...to...the...darkness...!"

The red-headded girl shrieked once again and began to flee, screaming, "Never!!!"

"Kairi! BOOOO!!!!" It screamed to fear-deafened ears.

Back inside the cave, the cloak hood was pushed back to reveal a boy with curtains of gleaming silver hair and a cheshire cat-like grin. "That was almost fun, Sora."

"_Told_ ya it'd be." The boy said indignantly, as the silver-haired boy ruffled his spikes.

He spluttered angrily as the older boy said, "Though I could have thought of something better."

The elder casually strolled out of the cave while Sora ran after him. "No you could _not_ have! RIKU!"

---

**A/C:** Is it obvious that I'm a firm believer of Soriku?

Oh, and the reason this is marked as Sora & Roxas is because they're the ones I'm focusing this on.


	3. Oh, But You're Such A PRETTY Girl!

**A/C:** I feel the need to inform you all that I'll be alternating through various genres; at the time I felt humor/parody fit the best. But, really, I'll be doing what I feel like. 'Kay? Sweet.

I'll probably never finish this, as there will never be an end to the odd KH humor well in my brain. Ah...well, it's funny to me at least. *shrugs* On with the show!

* * *

"Sora?" The deeper voice--Riku, obviously, 'cause no one else on the islands that he was friends with sounded older like that--beside Sora said.

"Hmm?" He responded, not really paying attention.

"Do you think Kairi likes me?"

That caught his attention. He snickered and said, "I don't think Kairi's a lesbian. What about me?"

There was an equally humored snicker from the older boy. "I don't think Kairi's a cradle robber."

"Shut up, Riku!" Sora said, pouting.

"I, however, am." Riku said, a smirk curling his lips.

The brunet scoffed. "Sorry; I'm straight."

Riku smiled and closed his eyes, disappointed, listening to the gentle breathing of Sora and the sounds of the ocean.

That is, until he felt a feather-light touch on his lips that disappeared as quickly as it began.

He blinked his eyes open and looked confusedly at Sora who was flushed a light pink.

"I thought...you said that you were straight." The elder said slowly.

Sora grinned through his embarrassment and hopped off the palm tree he was currently perched on. "Good thing you're such a pretty girl."

Riku glowered at the young boy instantly and Sora giggled--one of the few effeminate actions Riku had ever seen the boy do--and started to jog off towards their red-headed female friend.

"Come back here, idiot!" Riku commanded, yelling. "I demand some answers!"

"Then why dont'cha come and get 'em?"

The older boy rolled his eyes and ran after the grinning youth.

Oh, he _would_, all right.

* * *

**I had thought of this scene, like, a week ago, and wanted to finally get it written down. I thought that it'd somewhat fit with my odd series of drabbles.**


	4. I'll connect THIS pencil to THAT eyeball

_**Meanwhile...**_

Two seemingly young men sat side by side, staring at the brilliant silver haired man in front of them, researching and plotting animatedly.

"Superior, is there anything we can do to help you?" One asked innocently, because they hadn't realized their bitter personalities yet.

The man tilted back in his seat and his eyes rolled casually to the ponytailed nobody. "I think not. How could you possibly help me?"

He fidgeted. "Um...I'm sure that I could find a way." While the other young nobody looked on in pity.

"Could you? Tell me, do you have Kingdom Hearts available on your person?"

"N-no, but--"

Their Superior frowned. "Then there is no way you could possibly help me right now."

"I..." he took a deep breath. "I'll get Kingdom Hearts on my own! Just give me a week, Superior, I promise!"

"Oh? Really?" The silver haired man smiled, amused.

"Yes!"

"Care to make a wager on it?"

The younger man faltered. "Um, what?"

"Make a wager? A bet?" He laughed. "Xigbar, if you do not achieve in your quest for Kingdom Hearts in a week, then this," The man brandished a rather sharp and pointy #2 ,"this will find its way in your eye socket."

Xigbar winced and stayed silent.

"Hmm, Number Two? Is it a deal?"

Xigbar scrounged up his courage--no way his number would hurt him...right...? "It's...it's a deal."

_**One week later...**_

The dirty, tired Nobody shuffled into his Superior's office, clenching his hand around a rectangular box.

When the silver haired man caught sight of him he raised an eyebrow. "Xigbar, I see that you have returned."

Xigbar swallowed. "Yes, Superior."

"So? How did it go?"

"I..." he paused. "I found Kingdom Hearts."

The Superior smiled--somewhat intrigued. "Really?"

"Yeah." He pulled his hand up and presented his "_Kingdom Hearts_" to his leader. "Here...here is Kingdom Hearts," he said, revealing a game case showing a dark background with three youths, two Disney characters, and the _real_ Kingdom Hearts he so sought after.

"You _do_ know what this means, Xigbar..."

And, thus, explains the mystery of Xigbar's eye patch and scars. Never again did Xigbar count on the number "2".


	5. FF Encounter2

**A/C:** You'll understand this statement later on...I just didn't feel like changing the name. Hey, _I_ thought it was too funny to be tampered with.

I apologize for the language and bravado of this chappie, but I'm just getting into character.

This is based on Twilight Town post-Roxas and pretending that there wasn't a happy ending to the game at all.

---

It was a matter of time until the citizens of Twilight Town--along with the other people inhabiting the other worlds--were overtaken by the darkness.

This is what came to be of Hayner...or of Hayner, no more.

He remembered beginning, changing into something more hollow, no longer with a weight on his chest.

He...felt full grown, yet he couldn't remember anything, well, substantial, before that.

BULLSHIT!

Fucking bullshit, this was!

Last thing he knew, he was in a peaceful dark place, imagining all the ways he could whoop his rival's sorry ass and BAM! Now he was in some strange fucking town and it was so damn _bright_!

Hmph.

He was gonna murder the person who did this to him--the sorry bitch wouldn't know what was comin' to 'em.

Usually he was a pretty easy goin' dude, but this was seriously messed up!

He slammed his right fist into his left open palm.

Oh, _hell_, yeah. No doubt about it, someone _was gonna pay_.

He started his journey through the odd streets looking hopefully around. Maybe his day could be brightened by a hot dog or two...or ten. Realizing rather belatedly, he was pretty hungry. His stomach complained like a spoiled child.

Sighing, he kept going down the streets until he came to a part of the town that was just a huge empty area.

He didn't notice the people there until they spoke to him.

"Hey, we don't like strangers in this town! Who in the hell are you?" A confident voice rang out.

Oh yeah? Well, he was just as frickin confident, if not _more._

"Dincht." He said, sounding unbearably proud. "Zell Dincht. So what are you guys--the welcoming crew?"

The blond spun around and gaped at the other--equally blond--boy. Then he burst out laughing.

"Oh, you _gotta_ be shitting me."

The other blond sneered. "What the hell you laughing at, loser?"

Oh...oh, this was too rich. Zell was sure that he'd die by the humor of it.

His rival, the boy that he hated and wanted to kill every moment of every day had somehow been reduced to some snot-nosed brat version of his snot-nosed adult self. And, well, the fact that he didn't seem to remember Zell at the moment didn't bother the taller boy none 'cause he was still shaking with laughter.

"You wanna go, chicken wuss?" The blonde in the beanie glowered, holding out his struggle bat.

Hah. This was gonna be _so_ easy.

Zell grinned, cracking his neck and fingers before leaping to his feet gracefully, pumping his fists into the air. "It's on, punk."

---

**A/C:** TBC...if you guys want it to be continued at least... And I won't know unless you REVIEW! So, please, if you wanna know what happens with Zell and Seifer, then tell me your thoughts please.


	6. Even Tron's Not That Stupid

Clutching his side, Sora trudged on. They had been ambushed by a horde of Heartless, and barely made it by without collapsing. As Sora has sunk his keyblade into the last shadow, he finally was feeling the pain from the claw swipes dealt by the soldiers.

Donald had been healing both Goofy and Sora to the best of his ability, but even _he_ ran out of power after enough activity. Though, it was proven fact that Donald stuck his neck out for Goofy - his comrade back in the castle - more than he did for Sora - the lowly brat that somehow was chosen by the key, though it didn't matter to him, he was looking for his king! Sora tried not to feel too much contempt for the duck, but it was practically impossible.

The tip of the key clanged against the rock roads with each step Sora took, his gloved fingers grasping the torn material of his jacket. He panted and winced, bleary eyes staring at his goal - just down a few more staircases and he's be in the sanctity of Cid's Accesory Shop. It'd be the perfect place to heal his wounds.

His keyblade slipped on the top step and he tumbled down, his head taking the brunt of the blow. Hs gasped and gasped, eyes scrunching from the pain.

Distantly he heard two twin, "Ooophms!" spaced greatly apart.

A moment later he picked his head up and looked off to the side where Donald and Goofy lay across the steps - not unlike how he himself was - side by side, looking confused.

Sora cried, "What the hell?!"

For it was not stupidity or loyalty that made Donald and Goofy throw themselves down the staircase.

It was simplistic game controls.


End file.
